I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
