no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
splinters make it hard to masturbate
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
