I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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