I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
