piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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