she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
