I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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