So drunk, too bad you don't want this
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
