probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
