i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
