how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Randomize
