I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
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