so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
