I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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