theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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