Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
