I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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