I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
