i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
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My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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