Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
My orgasm happened in two different decades
Randomize
