please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
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It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
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Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
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