I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
