my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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