My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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