You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
