Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
