i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
