I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
