Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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