also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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