why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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