You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
Randomize
