everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
