onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
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I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
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My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize