i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
