I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
Randomize
