tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
