We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
