I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
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Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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