Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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