it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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