Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Randomize
