My friends, they love my intelligence
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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