There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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