if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Randomize
