dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
