If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
You may now shotgun with the bride
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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