I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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