He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Houston, we have a squirter
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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