so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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