I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
