i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
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