with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I think we might need a safe word for this...
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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