Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
