I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
