dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
