So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
