so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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