Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
