if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
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