I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
BRING THE BAGELS
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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