It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
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